


all this devotion was rushing out of me

by melliesgrant



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Soulmate AU, huaenjher dont read this ima prolly redo it later its v bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 02:58:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7959715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melliesgrant/pseuds/melliesgrant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>obi-wan knows that anakin is his soulmate, but anakin doesn't</p>
            </blockquote>





	all this devotion was rushing out of me

**Author's Note:**

> okay this is literally just finished and im prolly gonna rewrite it or add more so if its really bad sorry and it might be deleted or republished w better writing. i'll prolly write this in anakins pov later but idk

i. Obi-Wan never cared to try and contact his soulmate, it would only bring emotions and attachments and that was something he could never have. Since he was a child he had to try extra hard to gain respect, to gain a master, and he would not risk that by playing around with the other padawans writing silly messages on their hands and awaiting an answer. Only in his loneliest times did Obi-Wan write to his soulmate, crying himself to sleep, drawing flowers on his hands to cheer him up, and maybe if his soulmate said something back he could feel important and calm himself down.

There was never a reply, something he didn’t know if he should be happy or sad about. It was good they didn’t reply, he didn’t need that attachment in his life. Yet it hurt, what if he didn’t have a soulmate, what if they didn’t want him. These thoughts haunted him when he was a young boy, but like the rest of the jedi the older they got and the more they learned the less they cared about who their soulmate may be.

So that’s what Obi-Wan did, he grew older and more wise, trying his hardest to become the perfect jedi and push all those emotions that cursed him away. That is what he thought at least, when he was still a naive jedi trying to impress his master when they land on the planet Tatooine. He hadn’t expected this ruin of a planet to be the root of all that would truly affect him in his life.

It wasn’t until that day did he really grow wise, did he truly understand why the jedi council banned attachments. From feelings of betrayal to watching his master die, Obi-Wan let his emotions out on Darth Maul and promised himself that would be the end of it, he would be the perfect jedi after that (he was so wrong.)

* * *

 

ii. Obi-Wan finds his soulmate not to long after meeting him, and he finds out by the writing that he finds on his arm meant for someone else. Messy childrens writing soon paints his wrist as he takes Anakin Skywalker as his padawan, messages addressed to Padme wishing for her love and safety burn into his skin. He hates it so much, but he doesn’t do anything about it. The boy is far too young to understand this, and far too emotional to take the heartbreak. So Obi-Wan allows his skin to break and bleed for the sake of the boy's heart, even if it is at a cost of his.

The more comfortable Anakin gets with him the more personal the new padawans questions get. Obi-Wan doesn’t mind at first, the boy is new to this all, then he asked a question Obi-Wan struggled answering. “Obi-Wan, do you have a soulmate?”

He stays silent for a moment, answering with a monotone voice hoping there would be no more questions to follow. “Yes, Anakin.”

“I have one too, I know it, even if they don’t write back to me. I think it’s Padme, she’s just too busy to write.” The naive boy speaks, oblivious to the truth as Obi-Wan always hopes he is.

“Perhaps that is the truth Anakin, but you should not be writing to them in the first place. You know attachments are not allowed, and it will only cause the both of you heartache.”

Anakin gives his master a defeated look, turning away only to look at his hand covered in unanswered ink. “Yes, Master.”

Obi-Wan hates himself, but it’s for the best.

* * *

 

iii. Anakin is older and taller, something he often teases Obi-Wan about. Obi-Wan can only be thankful of the lack of writing that has appeared on his skin since their conversation years ago, but worries about the boy and the defiance he continues to show towards the jedi. He worries most about his own emotions though, as he begins to understand why the two are so called soulmates. His life revolves around the boy, his days spent teaching him, his nights spent holding him close in his arms to comfort him from the nightmares that taint his dreams. Obi-Wan doesn’t even remember smiling as much as he has with Anakin, and on the rare occasions that Anakin writes to him unknowingly he feels bittersweet while looking upon the words. Oh, what woe it is, to love someone and never be allowed to act upon it, and to love someone who does not love you back.

It only gets worse when they reunite with Padme, the boys love blooming for her again, and thus his desire to write to her unknowingly writing to his master instead. Obi-Wan looks at those unspoken ‘I love yous’ with a frown, his heart aching for what can never be. He pushes it away for as long as he can, until the boy won’t stop writing and he tries to scrub the words off until he bleeds. It never works, and he starts to wear gloves every day.

Things continue to change, he and Padme grow closer and his nightmares intensify. Obi-Wan wants to help, but with Anakin now going to Padme for all his troubles he is left out, abandoned almost. He pushes those thoughts away, this is good, it is better for the love growing to end now rather than simply grow worse and worse for Obi-Wan.

Yet the words on his hand reveal more than Obi-Wan desires to know about the developing relationship with Padme, love blooming between them more and more leading to more heartbreak and acceptance in Obi-Wan. He wonders if he should stop Anakin, not as a soulmate but as his master, these relations go against the Jedi code, and yet he doesn’t say anything. Anakin is happy, and maybe Obi-Wan is a terrible jedi for letting him do this, but seeing Anakin so happy and so in love gives him enough peace to let it be. They’ll find out eventually they are not soulmates, or something else in the universe will lead to the relationship's demise. Anakin is to be a Jedi, he is to lead a life where love is not allowed for a reason.

* * *

 

iv. Obi-Wan watches as Anakin goes from a padawan to a Jedi knight, he continues to be disobedient but no longer naive, and Obi-Wan continues to fall in love. The words stop coming and he begins to think Anakin and the Senator found out the truth, and yet based on their interactions they act as if they haven’t. Perhaps Anakin is more of a hopeless romantic than he thought, continuing to give all his love to someone he knew wasn’t meant for him but still held his heart in her poised hands.

Anakin takes a padawan of his own with the name Ahsoka Tano, and he laughs as he watches the relationship develop into one similar to theirs. The young Tortuga was impulsive like her master, never listened to him either, and Anakin was almost as irritated with it as Obi-Wan was with his own padawan. He enjoys watching the two though, it gives him an odd sense of comfort. A little family he compares them to, and at a time of war it is the only thing that brings him ease. Ease he needs when tragedy hits his fragile heart once again.

In his arms is Satine Kryze, barely breathing and soon dead, all because of him. She was a friend, a best friend, and because of that she had died. He blamed himself, and he pushed his emotions away once again. He could see the concern in the eyes of Anakin and Ahsoka, and though he would not tell either of them about the suffering it has caused he knows they know, Anakin especially. No matter how hard the Jedi council can try their bond will never truly be severed, for their lives have equally been about each other and always will be if the universe has its way.

Not too long after the loss, Anakin comes to him one night. This had usually happened when something was troubling Anakin, but now it was due to the sorrows of Obi-Wan. Anakin could sense it, and he didn’t say anything for he knew there was nothing to be reasonably said. Instead he climbed into his bed and held him night, never knowing the truest comfort he was giving his former master. Obi-Wan thought about writing I love you to the boy, but he decided to keep it to himself like all the other emotions and thoughts that cursed his mind.

* * *

 

v. Tragedy strikes again as Ahsoka Tano leaves, another attachment the two allowed themselves that bit them in the ass. This hit Anakin more though, and Obi-Wan wished he could be good like Anakin in comforting but he can’t. It would bring upon more emotions than needed, so instead he forced himself to watch as his padawan, his best friend, his soulmate suffered another loss in his life. He hates himself for it, but things continue on.

* * *

 

vi. His heart beats rapidly as he feels the greatest loss in the force, a morbidity filling his heart, leaving only space for worry towards Anakin. He looks upon the loss of the Jedi, his heart breaking and he could barely stand to keep his eyes open anymore. How could this have happened, how could things get worse? He wants to know how, and Yoda warns him. This confuses him, but he goes in to see the truth anyway. Anguish filled his heart and soul, a pain and misery so strong it almost moves him back. He looks upon the face of his love, betraying not only the Jedi but him. He knew Anakin did not love him in that way, but despite it all they still had love and this betrayal only brought upon sorrow and agony.

He is sent after Anakin, despite his begging not to be, but this is what he must do for the universe. He hopes to save his love, but he knows that can not be. He wonders how the galaxy, how the force, could be so vicious with his heart. How could it bring upon so much sorrow when all he had ever done was all it had asked him to do? He could not hate the force though, it always had a plan, one he could not fight.

He takes Padme with him to confront Anakin, and watches as the man he loves inflicts pain on someone he claims to love. This is no longer Anakin, but the man now called Darth Vader. So grim is this man on the planet Mustafar, and yet it does not stop him from reaching out, it does not stop him from fighting.

So they do, they fight, their skills taught from each other, a lethal match between the two with so many emotions trapped between the tension of their lightsabers. He hates himself for inflicting pain upon Anakin, and somehow still finds love for the boy who was now his worst enemy. He strikes him down, leaves him in a position that could only lead in death, and he’s sobbing. He watches as the man he loves burn at his hands, wishing he could turn it all back and tell him the truth. Tell him he loves him, tell him he wants to run away and just be with him. He wants things to change, but that can’t happen, so instead he yells all the unspoken things.

“You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them. You were to bring balance to the force, not leave it in darkness!” He shouts, his voice soon cracking as it takes a turn, melancholia in his eyes, his voice barely loud enough for Anakin to here. “I loved you, Anakin. You were my soulmate.”

He takes one last look at Anakin with those words, watching as his eyes fill not only with shock and sorrow, but turn from blue to red. He turns away, filled with love and regret, and above all hatred for himself.

* * *

 

vii. He watches as Padme dies and he takes the children of her and the man he loved. One goes to Bail, the other to Anakin’s last remaining family. He isolates himself, watching his loves son grow up and into his eyes and hair and so much more. Luke is almost a carbon copy of Anakin, and Obi-Wan is fine seeing that face once more from afar.

He finds it funny, how once Anakin - no Darth Vader - is more machine than man he begins to write to him. He must find whatever areas are left open for Anakin, what parts still have skin and no machine. He figures it out writing few words without reply. I’m sorry, the most common of them all, and he really is. He always will be.


End file.
